What Xmas is about (and maybe life in general)

[chromesphere]

Xmas is on the horizon and I thought as things start to go slightly mental, a bit of a pre-emptive counseling session might help
And really, as the title suggests, this is pretty much just advice for life in general as well in my opinion.

This comes up every year in my family, its an unfortunate situation.  As xmas approaches everyone in my family starts remembering what happened last year and the defences go up. The meaning of xmas, the magical childhood memories I have, it all gets swept away and replaced with, to be quite frank with you, resentment and dread.  We have had consecutive years of "bad xmas's".  There have been a few of recent times where I have said to my wife I want to find a way to get out of going.  For me, that's just not right...xmas should be about family, giving and celebrating.

So tired of one horrible xmas after another, I just had to rethink things.

But after this string of negative xmas's, last year we had a good one, things changed.  I honestly believe my change of approach was what made the difference. 

Looking within I realised for me personally, xmas is about family, giving (without receiving) and the kids.  In the midst of all the noise, I had forgotten all 3 of these things. 

Last year I made a promise to myself.  I wouldn't let anyone or anything sway me from what I think is important.  And although I would like to blame other people for adopting these bad practices around xmas time everybody celebrates differently, and I have to accept that.  But lets also be honest here, some people are just impossible to get along with.  Again that's just the way they are, I cant let that blind me from my own values.

So where am I going with this?  Well I guess what I'm trying to say to you is this; 
As we approach xmas and things start to get crazy, don't forget what's important to you about this time of year.  Stick close to your values.  Give presents even though you will not receive.  Help clean up even though no one else will.  Put effort in even though others may not.  Celebrate xmas in whatever way you feel and let others do the same.

Don't let other people's actions sway you and your xmas will be a good one, because you are acting on your values and not reacting to your environment

I hope it helps you keep on track

Peace Brothers.  I won't say merry xmas yet.  its a week away

Paul

[gordo]

Very nice post and a great message.  Thanks for this and a very merry Christmas to you too!

[bcalla]

Great, timely post.  I would emphasize "life in general" from your title.

I learned a long time ago to create my own happiness, not depend on others for it.  This might imply that I'm dealing with a sad, depressing life, but not at all.  However, if you set expectations of others and rely on the outcome to be happy, very often they will let you down.  Not necessarily with intent.  We sometimes see the failure of others to meet our expectations as an act against us, when it us usually just them dealing with their own lives and priorities.  Let it go...

Family obligations often feel like just that - obligations.  But in most (not all) cases it is important to maintain those relationships and keep them current.

One of the hardest things I learned was to get rid of the truly toxic people in my life.  In my case that was one family member and a handful of "friends".  Again, I don't believe that any of these individuals intended to cause pain.  They just did.  Walking away from them was difficult and rewarding.  It enabled me to achieve the attitude change Paul mentioned in his message.

[peAk]

Wow, what an awesome post.

I, like you, dread this time of year even when I know it should be magical.

The way I always deal with it is to stay drunk.

[Bret608]

Thanks for this post, Paul! It definitely captures where my family and I are in terms of Christmas but also family relationships in general. For only the third time in 19 years, we are not driving the 11 hours it takes to go spend the holidays with family so that we can enjoy Christmas at home with our two daughters. The reset will be good for us and the larger extended family.

[thesmokingman]

holidays in general have been a problematic time of year in my house. my wife would prefer large family gatherings not unlike how both she and I grew up. our reality in adulthood is something different. I don't know if is generational or just our respective families but after our grandparents' generation passed, the next generation (boomers, all of them) allowed it all to fall apart. they generally can't get along with their siblings, spouses, or their own children well enough to have a gathering that wouldn't degenerate into turmoil. we've had to start traditions of our own, and I think we're better off for it. celebrate the good in your life with those that matter most. you won't miss the turmoil.

[jimilee]

This time of years causes much anxiety for me because me and my wife always get pulled in so many different directions, everyone wants their turn.  I'm tired of obligations to other family members and want to create my own family traditions with my wife and children. We started with thanksgiving and I'm very hopeful it happens at Christmas. After my brother passed, I started thinking about what's important to me. My parents have regrets that I do not wish to have.


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[cajone5]

Other than travel (I live across the country from most of my family), the only hard part for me is the adult family gift giving.  I am 32 and I wish my parents would quit giving gifts because it creates the obligation to reciprocate and frankly none of us need anything in the price range that these gifts live (that we can't just get ourselves).  So we are fortunate to not want but still, it feels empty and silly to me.  Half the time it's just trading forms of money (cash, gift cards, gift certificates, etc.) and it's tiring.  It also creates extra stress leading up to the holiday trying to find something for everyone.  I'd prefer everyone save their money and the headache of attempting to shop for each other and just focused on spending time together and, if anything, sharing an experience, instead of buying gifts.

And honestly, the above isn't a very big deal.  It's just something I always struggle with.  Sometimes I feel like a grinch for it but ultimately, I just dislike the consumerism, the collecting "stuff" and the emptiness of the excessive gift giving.

[BrianS]

Great post Paul.  My biggest thing about XMas is it's so commercialized now.  I've basically just told my kids don't get me anything and I will do the same unless you want to buy me something guitar related; ie, a Strymon or Eventide pedal LOL.  I will buy for the grandkids, of course, but they have got so much stuff it's even hard to buy for them.  I remember growing up and my family was not well off and we got one present.  I remember getting a rod hockey game, train sets, race tracks, etc.... and was just consumed and happy with that one thing.  But I do love it when my grandkids open gifts and see the delight in their eyes.  It's priceless and makes it all worth while.  Christmas also makes me think of my mom and dad who are both gone and that makes me pretty sad.

So I will end on this, it's not only a time of giving but it's a time of forgiving.  Whether you can be with your family or not ensure you reach out and tell them how much you love an appreciate them.  If you are in a bad way with a family member, be the bigger person and try to iron things out.  Blessings and happiness be with all of you.

P.S. on a lighter note - Santa can you please bring me some new smarts in package form so I can stop having all these failed builds?

[Jefe]

Great thread. A lot of your posts hit home for me. I dread the holidays, can't stand the pointless consumerism, and I REALLY can't stand spending time with my family, mainly my mother and my sister. I've stopped getting together with them. At this point, you could say we're estranged, although I do try to let them know I "care" by liking their facebook posts once in a while or texting them on their birthdays. They've done my wife and her kids wrong too many times, and can no longer pretend that everyrhing is fine. I've been in and out of therapy for years, so I think I know myself pretty well now. My mother has no self awareness, and my sister takes right after her. So when I've tried to bring things up with them in the past, I'm met with "oh no, you misunderstood" or "no, we absolutely adore your stepkids"  - like hell. Sorry, I know your supposed to just smile and put up with family at the holidays, but I say fuck that. We do what we want now. We don't run around to visit a million people any more. We're going to the movies xmas eve, then ordering chinese take out. Then we're going to my wife's parents on xmas day, and that's it. No pressure, no stress, maybe some guilt, but not much because whatever.
Merry Christmas & happy holidays e everyone!

[peAk]

so refreshing to read everyone's posts. Just to know how common this feeling is

[jimilee]

Great thread. A lot of your posts hit home for me. I dread the holidays, can't stand the pointless consumerism, and I REALLY can't stand spending time with my family, mainly my mother and my sister. I've stopped getting together with them. At this point, you could say we're estranged, although I do try to let them know I "care" by liking their facebook posts once in a while or texting them on their birthdays. They've done my wife and her kids wrong too many times, and can no longer pretend that everyrhing is fine. I've been in and out of therapy for years, so I think I know myself pretty well now. My mother has no self awareness, and my sister takes right after her. So when I've tried to bring things up with them in the past, I'm met with "oh no, you misunderstood" or "no, we absolutely adore your stepkids"  - like hell. Sorry, I know your supposed to just smile and put up with family at the holidays, but I say fuck that. We do what we want now. We don't run around to visit a million people any more. We're going to the movies xmas eve, then ordering chinese take out. Then we're going to my wife's parents on xmas day, and that's it. No pressure, no stress, maybe some guilt, but not much because whatever.
Merry Christmas & happy holidays e everyone!

It's like we live parallel lives.


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[gordo]

The wife and I are together for Christmas Eve and I'm playing a bunch of services (and a cool set at that).  She's an Emergency Room nurse and is working the day of, so I'm going a similar route with a few beers and hanging with the dog.  No complaints.  In the past when her mother was alive they would invariable have some sort of family melt down and it would turn into an emotional bloodbath.  I had decided years ago that it wasn't my place to criticize how families function and in the years we went back to Canada to spend the season with my family it was a stark contrast.

These days it's almost too laid back but no complaints.

Jimi you definitely have to enforce your own family ritual.  You can branch out from there.

[timbo_93631]

As most of you know we moved cross country this summer, so this is my second Christmas not with family in 39 years, the first time I was in NZ in 1999 and having an absolute ball.  My in-laws are flying out to be with us, and that is great, I get along with them well and my wife and her mom make up after the initial freakout of not having seen each other for months pretty quickly.  This year is special though because my sister and her fam are moving in with us for a few months and it is going to be awesome having them here.  The settled just outside of Atlanta this summer and have been very unhappy there (McDonough/Henry County), so they took a leap of faith and resigned from their jobs there to move down to Eatonton and settle here with us.  My sister just got a teaching position locally and my brother in law is going to help me build the garden and do some 2-man repairs on our house while they get established here and look for a house.  We are blessed that our place is big enough to fit everyone very comfortably, and I am just super stoked that my sis will be here day in day out for awhile. 

Bringing it back to Christmas, to have moved away from about 80% of our normal Christmas busy time and obligations is refreshing and a blessing, making new traditions this year is huge, and auntie Beez and uncle Jer moving in is magnifique! 

Also it snowed for like 2 seconds last week, man, Christmas cheer is outta control over here!

[Muadzin]

I've never liked Xmas. As a kid it was always that boring time when the grownups would get together and sit boringly in the living room, which I would avoid like the plague. The TV provided no relief as there would be either nothing on (no daytime TV in the Netherlands in the 70's and 80's), or boring US Xmas specials. And unlike in the rest of the world there would be no presents, as in the Netherlands presents are given around the 5th of December, with Sinterklaas (what Santa Claus is but a poor copy of), not around Xmas. Although commerce is trying to import the American tradition very hard. Why settle for one round of annual gift shopping when you can have two! In no small part thanks to the bombardment of American Xmas movies.

As I grew up the family situation did not improve. My mother died early of cancer in the 90's and my brother and I drifted apart from our father after that. The poor guy just wasn't suited to keep the family together by himself. Him starting to drink didn't help either. Nor importing a Polish mail order bride and her two kids. So having to get together at Xmas became an even bigger chore. With no relief of being able as a kid to seek refuge in your room. Especially if you had to sit there and watch the videos of his visit to Indonesia. All unedited 16 hours of it! So no gifts, awkward home situation, boring television equals not the best of times as far as I'm concerned. Making all that supposed cheerfulness sound and look very hollow.